I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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