Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
