you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
