i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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