when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
