I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
