im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
