Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
