I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
