my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
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