just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
