Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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