There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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