My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
