I want to make a zoo with you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
