first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
