Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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