i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
