I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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