she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize