I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
