Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
