Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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