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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The feeling are messing with the penis
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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