Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
