I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
