i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
