Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
