I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
