You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
