Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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