youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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