I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
