so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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