So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
