yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
