1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
