I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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