I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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