You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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