her vagina looked like bernie madoff
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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