I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
