i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
