I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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