You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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