I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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