Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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