I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
