Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
