I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
