If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
