While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
