Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
