The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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