oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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