I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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