I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
