i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
