I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
