I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
