I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
