Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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