Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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