I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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