if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
